OK I am just going to go right out and say it and if makes others think differently of me than so be it but I have to get it off my mind. To most men I am nothing more than a notch on their belt (or headboard) I am only viewed as a girl they want to get in the sack and I don't make that a difficult task for them to accomplish if I am interested. I am the girl who will go with the flow of things and not make too many waves if I like a guy and this I believe in my head stems from the need to please others. I even tend to parent differently because of that need to please of give others what they want. I don't hold my ground and I don't tell others how I fell when circumstances change unless I am confident in things going the way I want them to go.
But right her and now I am making a stance to take back a little control in my personal relationships with men. I have a few guys friends who love me for who I am and even thought they might be physically attracted to me they would never damage our friendship in that way and I truly care fro them because I feel respected.
Recently I met a guy who initiated a friendship/relationship with me and he was very honest about not being able to give me what I want from the beginning. Well I don't want a relationship and I really wasn't all that attracted to him so I asked him what is it that you think I want from you? He said I don't think anything but I wanted to let you know I am a selfish asshole and I tend to hurt women. I responded with that is fine I am not interested in a relationship with you. Well fast forward 6 weeks and talking everyday and getting to know one another all pursued by him I am finding myself not falling for him but longing to talk to him everyday like I always do, but for the past week and a half he is been extremely distant and I have lost that connection. I was feeling hurt over the last 2 days because I miss what we were developing but again not really because I am ready to even try to develop a relationship just yet. However I have not said a word about the distance because when we first started talking he said I am very busy with school, and other things that I might not be able to be there for you all the time and I was ok with that I didn't want to be there all the time. So as the circumstances have changed and I fell like I should say "HEY you don't have a right to treat me like this and expect em to be here when you come back." the need to please or make others happy part of my brain says hey wait he told you the situation from the get you are not aloud to change how you feel.
So this morning I decided I am going to take back control of my emotions since I don't believer they were true feelings anyway I was just happy to get some attention from someone else and I will not worry about what him and others are doing with their lives and if they can make time for me. I have a very active lifestyle and I am usually always doing one thing or another and I felt I was compromising too much to be there when he had time to talk. I will set the boundaries from the beginning a friendship from now on and I will always be honest. If my feelings change I will state them no matter the outcome even if it is not the one I want.
I vowed in 2011 to be me and I was sliding back the the insecure young girl who never felt a guy would like me for me. I was finding all those school girl insecurities coming out and I don't like to feel that way. I am a mature woman who loves to have fun and will still go with the flow but it will be more on my own terms and not the terms of others unless it is a mutual compromise. If that can't be understood by men then so be it I really truly do not mind being single and not having to share my large king sized bed with anyone.
Single me loves to travel, meet new people, and enjoy life with my friends so that is how I will be. Control of my surroundings and situations does not mean to me that I will be overbearing and have to have things my way it just means I will stand up for my self and not let others decide who I will be and what I will do.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Early mornings
In the early mornings I sit and contemplate all that I have weighing down my mind but with more of a open heart. In the early mornings I see things with more peace. The rising of the new sun makes me feel that no matter what is going on in my life I will be able to face the days challenges and all the ones left from previous days with a smile and a challenge to bring it on. The world I live in will never be at complete peace but I know that there is a certain amount of need for the lack of peace and understand why it exists.Most of the turmoil I feel is from my need to personalize all that I am involved in and all that I care about. Also the lack of peace is my inability to handle things the way they are and not the way I want them to be. I do not want or need others to change I just always ask myself why would they chose me or why would they want me.
Recently I had a new friend read my blogs and he told me few things about myself that were very true and no other person has ever said. He told me that I love others well but I am afraid to be loved and that is very true. I was kind of enlightening and scary all in the same moment as to wow this person sees me on the inside and I barely know him. He got all oft his from our few talks and from reading my blog.
I am very open about my life, my mistakes, my successes, and I am the one who is the hardest on my self. All of this I know but have no idea on how to change it. I have visions in the early morning of how I want my life to be and just really don't know how to get there other than to live each day as I see fit and never look back at the what if's. Too many times I look back at the what if''s in life and spend too much time mourning them that I don't realize so many of the opportunities are still there I just have to go get them. In the early mornings I sit and wonder if others question themselves as much as I do and wonder how they deal with this mental abuse because insecurity to me is just like mental abuse when you are always beating yourself up about it.
I have never until recently felt pretty or capable enough about finding someone to love me unless I give more to them than they give me but this is an exhausting way to live and today in the early morning was what I sat and thought about. I am going to try and change that about who I am because there is someone out there who will not possess me, treat me like a caged animal, will not judge me, love me for all of me even if they do not certain sides. and not just want me for what I can offer. I know what I have to offer and it really is not all that bad but I never let anyone in close enough to see that and I tend in the beginning to only make the other person happy with what they want and afraid to speak up for what I want out of it. Then when I do I am looked at as someone who changed well I haven't I was just too insecure with myself to say otherwise at first and fear being left without a fight.
Recently I had a new friend read my blogs and he told me few things about myself that were very true and no other person has ever said. He told me that I love others well but I am afraid to be loved and that is very true. I was kind of enlightening and scary all in the same moment as to wow this person sees me on the inside and I barely know him. He got all oft his from our few talks and from reading my blog.
I am very open about my life, my mistakes, my successes, and I am the one who is the hardest on my self. All of this I know but have no idea on how to change it. I have visions in the early morning of how I want my life to be and just really don't know how to get there other than to live each day as I see fit and never look back at the what if's. Too many times I look back at the what if''s in life and spend too much time mourning them that I don't realize so many of the opportunities are still there I just have to go get them. In the early mornings I sit and wonder if others question themselves as much as I do and wonder how they deal with this mental abuse because insecurity to me is just like mental abuse when you are always beating yourself up about it.
I have never until recently felt pretty or capable enough about finding someone to love me unless I give more to them than they give me but this is an exhausting way to live and today in the early morning was what I sat and thought about. I am going to try and change that about who I am because there is someone out there who will not possess me, treat me like a caged animal, will not judge me, love me for all of me even if they do not certain sides. and not just want me for what I can offer. I know what I have to offer and it really is not all that bad but I never let anyone in close enough to see that and I tend in the beginning to only make the other person happy with what they want and afraid to speak up for what I want out of it. Then when I do I am looked at as someone who changed well I haven't I was just too insecure with myself to say otherwise at first and fear being left without a fight.
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