Choices

Over the past week I have been dealt with some pretty tough blows from a couple of friends and they were not meant to hurt me they were meant to show me their thoughts and troubles but they were directly related to me. So here I am to get my thoughts off my chest about what I feel about these things.

Everyone in life will make choices and those choices are not mine. I will never judge or sway those choices others will make even if they are not the choices I would have made. Let me elaborate on this thought some I do not care what you do with your life because I chose you as a friend for who you are and this means standing with you for whatever road you may travel on. My beliefs may not be the same but my no means do I feel that my beliefs and choices are the only way to go, if the whole world was just like me we would be one crazy messed up world.......

Yes I am getting divorced, but do I think that all of my friends should become divorced? No way I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and all the wonderful things that are associated with marriage and to be honest with everyone I had a very good marriage but we just are too completely different people who want two completely different things in life and that made it hard to keep the glue together. He is still one of my very good friends and I speak to him often so this was my life and my choices not ones to be made lightly or by anyone else.

Yes I am straight but do I think that everyone in the world needs to be this way , heck no be who you are and be with whomever will make you happy. Life is too short to live otherwise and please introduce me to your significant other. Many people are afraid to tell me that they have a different view on who is right for them because I am a Christian and so many Christians attack the lifestyle of  gay man or woman. I am here to tell you now I will never judge this because you can attack right back at my chosen lifestyle or past. I have done many things that go against what is right in the Bible and I will one day face my judgment for it. So I don't feel it is right to judge you I am not better or more right than you are. Also love is so hard to find in life so when you do find it hold onto it no matter what others may think is right or wrong. I will punch them out for you if they say something

Yes I have made so many mistakes in the roads I have traveled on but that doesn't mean I am not a good person or have good intentions towards you. I can be cold hearted and lash out at others when I feel like I am being backed into a corner. I am a natural flirt but hat does not mean I want to sleep with you. I may tell you whatever it is on my mind because I am sorry I WAS BORN WITHOUT A FILTER. I am who I am and that is all I can be, and as a friend I would ask that you feel open to being who you are because that makes you YOU.

I recently told a couple of friends about how I feel about them and this is truly how I feel about all my friends. As your friend I will walk beside you when you need the company, I will stand behind you when you need some strength, I will stand in front of you when you need protection, and I will leave your travels when you need to be alone. I am always just a phone call, a text, an email, a skype conversation, a fb chat or msg away so please call on me anytime you need.

So back to choices go out today and make as many choices as you would like that will fit into who you are. Do not be afraid to make a mistake I will help you pick up the pieces to start all over again. I will applaud you and be your personal cheering section when you it is right for you. I will cry with you when you needs someone to cry with and I will bury all the bodies when someone wants to judge you for your choices.

Without the love of my friends and their support I do not know how I would have gotten through some difficult times in my life. Without the love of my friends who would I go dancing with. Without the love of my friends I would not be so blessed and in my opinion I have a BLESSED LIFE!!! Love you all

When did Divorce= Desperation

I am sitting here wondering what it is about a newly single woman that makes men think that they can treat me like I need or want them. When a man approaches you that you have know for years or less and finds that you are now single it does not mean "HIT ON ME PLEASE." I am not turned on by this nor am I even slightly interested in it. I am more complex than that and do not need to have a man in my life to be fulfilled. I can create my own happiness and for all out there I actually prefer it that way.  I do not want to know what you think of my body or what you would like to do with it, because personally that is disgusting to me.

I want and need to be free to be me and that is what I want. I still believe in love and know that it is possible to have love but I don't believe it is started with lust. Lust is an instant gratification and never lasts. Love is an eternity even if you don't stay together. Lust and desperation are not words that are who I am and who I want to be. Just because I am attractive to you does me you are attractive to me and acting that way really makes you less attractive.

So anyone out there that  thinks I want that should reflect on themselves before they ever approach me again.

Hurting and Pain

Today I woke up hurting and last night I went to bed hurting. Hurting not because of what I have been going through for the past two months but hurting because of my realization that I have the insane ability to love anyone who enters my life as a family member,  a friend, and even as a lover or spouse. I have so many different levels of love and these all get placed in with the person I meet. Sometimes they take it either the wrong way as if I need them or even as if I love them in the way they need or that my love is a selfish and me-centered love and not the other person centered love so I hurt them very badly. Some say my ability to love so many is a good thing and at most times it really is a good thing but I have to question myself to if I am spreading myself too thin and not giving some the right amount of love to hold onto them.

To my friends whom I meet and stay friends with I love and cherish the times we have together and I truly do LOVE each and everyone of you. When I say I love you as we are speaking I really mean it and when you are sad, hurting, or in pain, my heart hurts for you. I remember the times we have together like they were yesterday, and I miss the times we are apart as if something is missing in my life. I know that those who are my true friends know that I have the room in my heart to add more people and that new friends are welcomed with a love that is good and old friends are in there with a love that is so strong and true no bond will break it.

Someone told me this past week that I am selfish and cold hearted and that may be true to many people who have encountered me I will not deny this. I am human so self-centered needs are going to show in me just like everyone else. As for cold hearted  well I think it is because I won't cry or feel hurt around just anyone and especially in front of the person who is hurting me. I have always lived by the thoughts of they will never know how much they have hurt me. So think what you may about who I am I am all that I know how to be and this is what you get.

This insane ability to love others deeply also gives me the ability to be deeply hurt by others more than they will ever know. So I ask all I know the next time you meet someone take a look at not only your needs for the relationship but the needs of the other persons too. To fall hard and fall deep is a great experience to feel in life as long as you are able to pick yourself back up from it.

Lay Awake

It's 2:50 in the morning and I have to be up in 3.5 hours but I lay here awake. I think of the past couple of months and know that all the changes I am going through are mixed with so many emotions: sadness, happiness, anxiety, excitement, pleasure, pain, angry, funny, and knowledge. The last one is the emotion of knowledge that my emotions will all balance out and I will be normal again (if you can say I have ever been normal).

I was telling a friend today that it has been almost 3 months since the last time I have had a dream while sleeping and how much I miss dreaming. Well the more I think about it the more I realized tonight it might be because I am living out my dreams now in real life for the first time in years. I am starting to live again and be me. Maybe that is why I have no need for dreaming in my sleep because of what I am doing in my awake hours.

As I lay awake here now just past 3 AM I also know that I am blessed, truly blessed to have the friends that have rallied around me in my time and have supported my ranting and raving about how I feel at that moment. Some of these friends are old friends re-found, friends I live near, and new friends that I have been given as a gift. All of these people have been wonderful and amazing and I am very amazed at all they have given me. I have been told I have emotional attachments to people and it is correct when i meet someone I would like to include in my life I become emotionally attached to them because I start to care about who they are. This is not a bad thing I look at is as an ability to love many deeply.

As I lay still awake I know that the things I want in life will come true as long as I work hard, love hard, and truly live. I hope everyone wants to live with me.

My Vows

I vow to live my life the way I want to live it for now on. I want everyone that thinks they knows whats best for me to stand back and watch me grow into who I have always known I can be. I no longer want to look back and say "wow I wish I would have jumped on that opportunity" or " I really wish I would have done that." I think that we all need to see the quick moments in life for growing and being who we should be. I don't want to say that I will not go somewhere because being there for less than 48 hours is not worth the time of airfare (as long as it's not astronomical).

I vow to not only tell the important people in my life that they are important to me but also that I love them deeply.When I was in the post office today an older lady made a comment about Love not lasting forever but I do not believe that. I truly love many things in my world and I even still love things I know I shouldn't but that doesn't mean love isn't forever. For example the love I fell for my children will be forever even when they are grown and on their own.  I love my family more than anything in the world from my Mom and sister to all my many cousins and that love is forever no matter what happens. I even love my the man I was married to for 14 years because he gave me my children and a profound understanding of what I am really looking for in my life. Just cause we are almost not married anymore my love for him will never go away.

I vow to help my children accomplish their dreams even if they are not the dreams I have for them because they are their own people with their own dreams and desires in life. I will walk beside them when they need a companion, behind them when they need the support, and in front of them when they need me to protect them. What I want is not important but my vow to help them get what they want is very important to me.

I vow to live a better life as far as my health goes and if that means exercise and better eating habits than that is what I will do. Even though I don't like it but I know I will splurge once in a while. With this vow I also will vow to drink more wine with my friends just to send time with them and enjoy the time I get with them.

I vow to watch more sunrises and sunsets whether they are on a beach or right outside my house since the beauty of a sunrise or sunset makes me happy. Even if I am watching these alone they are still one of the most amazing of God's creations and I need to stop missing them as often as I do. The world is an amazing place and I need to stop and smell more roses down the road I am traveling.
 
I am sure there are many more things I want to make a vow to but right now I think this is enough to keep me moving in the direction I want to be in for 2011.

Life as I know it

Life for me has never been easy or uneventful but I wouldn't change a day of it. I have always said live life with very little regrets and that is what I have very little regrets. The mistakes I have made I make proudly, loudly, and without a desire to change. I am 37 years old and a mother of 2 beautiful kids and soon to be a divorced woman after 14 years of marriage but these things do not define who I am there are so many more things about me. I am proud to be all who I am even when I am being  B**** because that is what I am feeling at that moment and take the moment for what it is and we can move onto the many happier parts of me.

One of the largest things that define me is the 2 beautiful babies I was able to bring into this world and they occupy a huge part of my heart, almost to a point where it is so very hard to let anybody else in long enough to hold them or have them want to stay.This does not upset me though because I see the love that my children give to others especially now since Shane is of dating age and I see how good, caring, compassionate,and loving to his girlfriend Nicky. Samantha is a sweet and would not hurt an ant if she can help it type of fairy sized little girl. She is the size of a fairy but has the strength on her heart like a lion. I see so much of both me and Michael in both of my children and I smile.

Another piece of what defines me is my need for me and the ability to fight for what I want and need and not lose myself in the whole idea of what the world thinks I should be. I am loud, I cuss, I am proud, I am strong, and I will not let anyone knock me down no matter who it is. Recently I posted a status in facebook that asked when will some people learn that I am not one that can be controlled I will lash out without any compassion because I will feel caged and trapped. I can not live the the confines of normal life and expectations but I am also not afraid to work myself to the bone to get what I want or need.

My friends have always defined a  part of who I am because I am a social butterfly and need to move from one flower to the next to get to know the entire world. My true friends have always understood that about me and have always let me fly free because I always come back to them even better and happier. Maybe some would call my crazy for the need for so many people in my life but it fulfills me. I have always said I would be perfectly at peace standing in Times Square in NYC surrounded by 100's of people even if I knew none of them.

Lastly but not leastly my family is so important to me because I have such a small one. I am very different from my mother and sister and over the years that has caused so many conflicts but in each conflict there is always so much LOVE from both of them. I have pushed them away to be me but they are always waiting at the door when I come back to them with open and loving arms. Kalin my sister we don't see eye to eye but in the two hardest times in our lives we were there for one another and this is what sisters do. I love you deeply and miss you so often. Mom I am not how you want me to be but you were the most amazing Mother and you are who I get my strength from everyday and every hour.
About 16 years ago I met my father's side of the family and boy are they are so much of why I live in Arizona. Jennifer is a big inspiration to me and boy do we have a blast together and she has never asked me to be anyone other than me wholeheartedly. Christine cracks me up with her fun side but yet still keeps me so grounded. My uncle Pete what can I say other than I an so happy you are in my life and you could not have picked a better woman to share your life with because Aunt Pat you are amazing.

14 years of marriage gave me another sister that I will always love no matter what. Misti you stay strong and know that no matter what we are still sisters. The babies love you so much and miss you dearly and so do I. We have become so close in 14 years and nothing and no one will ever separate that.Your brother is who brought us together but that means nothing our hearts are entwined.

I am so ready to start my life again better, stronger, and happier and with more wisdom from the past 14 years of who I really am. I hope the world is ready for ME cause here I come.