My life of destruction in a nutshell!!

In my teens and early twenties I spun myself into a path of complete self destruction. I partied hard, slept around, and let others tell me how I am going to live because I thought I needed them. I went through life getting destroyed emotionally with each relationship I started and could never see the really good guys out there. Never in the first 23 years of my life did I ever feel beautiful, confident, or worthy of anything that would make me happy. I always felt I could love someone enough to make me love them.

Then I turned 23 and met the man I was going to marry and he was so different from every guy I have ever dated. He loved me unconditionally and we had two wonderful children together and 14 years of ups and downs. Our marriage ended sometime last year in my mind and in my heart because of the voices in my head saying this is still not who you are. So I decided to stop this path of self destruction and move on.

The last 4 months I have started to really understand who I am and what I was placed here for and I know that I have so many things that are wonderful to offer someone. I did however, start this path on another road to unworthy self destruction. I met people and became involved (which I blogged about earlier) because they made me feel good about who I am and made me feel pretty confident until it all would fall apart again and my heart lost a piece of the goodness I have been trying to achieve.


I woke up this morning and I realized that I am not really self destructive I am strong. I am so strong that I can be slapped in the face and walk away with pride and dignity and not have that gut reaction that bubbles up. I am not egotistical but the next few things may make me seem this way. I am a great person, I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am fun and funny ( I don't mind being the brunt of the jokes I just wont be someones fool), I have an infectious personality, I love many things even when they are bad, I enjoy taking care of people and am always looking to help others. I am also smart, have my head on straight as to what is right and what is wrong, I will give my last dime to someone in more need than me, and I love unconditionally. With all these things said I can also be selfish, needy, and bitchy. But that goes with the sense of my need to please others and them treating me like a doormat.

I recently met someone who I believed had all the personality traits of someone that I would want to be with and we got along great. He never was bothered by my innocent flirting and we had a physical chemistry like I have never known with someone else. This all drew me into believing that I really did like him more than I was ready to admit and I already admitted that I was losing sight of me again. Well last night a piece of his true colors came out when we were together and I had to realize that I was looking at this with a cloudy perspective because of all the pros I believed he had. He still has many great things that I look for in a guy but he has some serious flaws that would send me on that path to self destruction all of again. Last night and even early this morning I was willing to over look the flaws and give him a second chance when those flaws go against what I morally feel. However, as I was finally removed for a bit I have a few things to say to him that I know I will never get to to his face so I am going to do it here.......

I am sorry that you do not have your head on straight because you are going through a tough time yourself with your divorce. I still think that you are a great father and have had many fun times with you over the past couple of weeks. You are on a wicked path to your own self destruction and falling into a hole that I will not  go down into with you or even climb into it to pick you up from it. You are right I am beautiful, sexy, funny and fun with a great sense of humor, I have a great group of friends that invited you into our world. You were also right when you said that I take good care of you and no one has ever done that like I do, but I will not continue to do this at my own sacrifice. You were right when you said you were crazy about me for all of these traits. You were also right when you said I was smart so here is where my smart kicks in. We have great chemistry in and out of bed but you are not worth being dragged down for once more in my life. I hope one day you wake up and realize like I have that you are going about this all wrong. You are going to destroy yourself and hopefully not your boys if you continue this way. You have a lot to offer someone and if you are not ready for that you should stand back and not become attached to someone yourself so you don't pull them into your tangled web, since many may not be as strong as I am to climb out of it. I have too much to offer the world and too much going for you to let you drag me down so here is where we say our goodbyes. Take care of yourself and look a littler deeper into what kind of footprint you want to leave the world and what kind of example you want to set for your boys.

This feels so good to be able to say this and know that it is truly how I feel. I am not hurt I was humiliated by your actions and behaviors and wont be able to get past that no matter how I felt. Last night I thought I could get over the humiliation and move on but as minute ticked on the clock and I would watch you sleep I found myself caring less and less about you. That is why I got up and went home when I did because I just didn't want to or feel comfortable in your bed after what you did.  I know that you will never know how I feel and that is ok too you don't need to nor do you deserve to know all of this. Just know that you did not hurt me you made me see all the wonderful things I am and that I am worth more than what you have to offer me and one day I will find a person who can truly appreciate me. You were a necessary stepping stone in my life and now that stone is behind me and below me. What we had together for our time was important to me and I will only look back to know that I am looking for a good man that has all your great traits but lacks your flaw.

Today on my run (well we cheated and walked) with my best friend we talked bout how I stayed even after all that happened. She said her reaction would have been so different. I needed to stay and be able to be face to face with you for hours after it happened. I needed to analyze the situation and my feelings. If I would have left you at your doorstep last night I would not feel the way I do today. I needed that time of healing and thoughts while you were in my presence so I when I was trying to look past things I could look at you and know that it is not who I am.

I have something to look forward to in my life and my shoes are tied tight to start my journey. I have so many friends that are taking this journey with me and we are all on path to great things that make life worth living everyday. NO MORE self destruction for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing

Wow sometimes in life you can be given a special thing that makes you feel AMAZING!! These things I am learning quickly to not take for granted but to ride the wave of exciting feelings and enjoy every second like it's an hour or more with a huge smile. Today I was given one of those days. I don't know how to express it or even if there is a way to express what I am feeling with anything other than WOW!!

The feeling is like a sense of euphoria and can not be replaced or taken by anyone no matter what happens. It makes you want to explore places in life you have always been too timid to go and stand for what you truly want in life and accept no less. All I know is that I want to feel like this for a long time even if it means pain and disappointment later down the road because I would never know how good this feels without the purest of opposite feelings. I also would never want to lose this day to avoid the hurt that may come along with it later. My knees are weak, my hands are almost too shaky to type, and my thoughts are racing a million miles a minute.

I am so thankful for this glimpse of what it could be like everyday and know in my heart I will one day get there everyday and not just for the one short glimpse of it. When talking to my best friend today about it I told her everyone needs this in their life to make them feel this special and amazing and she completely agrees with me and has had her own experiences just like it. I wish this for everyone I know and love to have this feeling one day or many days. Everyone go out and find something that will make you feel amazing and don't stop until you do please.

When your heart feels its time to LOVE again

I have had so many people talk to me about what I should and shouldn't do since I have been separated, and in truth so many of them are right but only my heart will be able to tell me when I am ready to love again. It has been just 3 months since I have been in the world as a newly single woman and I have seen so much in this time. I truly feel happy with the path I have chosen. The world is just starting to get to know Mia Horne again so I know I am not ready to change that.

I can truly say that I am ready for the dating world but not to fall in love again, but I would not fight it if it happened with the right person. He would have to take all my quirks and know that I love him but still need my own life and some freedoms and I would give him the same. I have no other major criteria for what I want in a relationship other than to not feel like I have to answer to every move I make and everywhere I go.
I know after being married for 14 years I should have a long lists of things I want and don't want but to me that is asking a lot of a person. I just want to know that I am loved for me and not who he would want me to be.

I have a good friend who is always telling me to go into things without getting attached but frankly I live by my heart so I know I will fall in and out of LOVE about 50 more times probably before I find the one. LOL I know Dwayne I can't help it this is just who I am!! However, I know that there are so many different degrees to LOVE and so many different ways to love someone so I say this all jokingly and with a sense of knowing I might get hurt again along the way but that's ok. It all a part of life and living it fully.

So I guess what I was trying to say today is life can be about LOVE and that is good for me but my heart tells me to stop hiding and get back out there and meet the world.

Taking control for the first time

OK I am just going to go right out and say it and if makes others think differently of me than so be it but I have to get it off my mind. To most men I am nothing more than a notch on their belt (or headboard) I am only viewed as a girl they want to get in the sack and I don't make that a difficult task for them to accomplish if I am interested. I am the girl who will go with the flow of things and not make too many waves if I like a guy and this I believe in my head stems from the need to please others. I even tend to parent differently because of that need to please of give others what they want. I don't hold my ground and I don't tell others how I fell when circumstances change unless I am confident in things going the way I want them to go.

But right her and now I am making a stance to take back a little control in my personal relationships with men. I have a few guys friends who love me for who I am and even thought they might be physically attracted to me they would never damage our friendship in that way and I truly care fro them because I feel respected.

Recently I met a guy who initiated a friendship/relationship with me and he was very honest about not being able to give me what I want from the beginning. Well I don't want a relationship and I really wasn't all that attracted to him so I asked him what is it that you think I want from you? He said I don't think anything but I wanted to let you know I am a selfish asshole and I tend to hurt women. I responded with that is fine I am not interested in a relationship with you. Well fast forward 6 weeks and talking everyday and getting to know one another all pursued by him I am finding myself not falling for him but longing to talk to him everyday like I always do, but for the past week and a half he is been extremely distant and I have lost that connection. I was feeling hurt over the last 2 days because I miss what we were developing but again not really because I am ready to even try to develop a relationship just yet. However I have not said a word about the distance because when we first started talking he said I am very busy with school, and other things that I might not be able to be there for you all the time and I was ok with that I didn't want to be there all the time. So as the circumstances have changed and I fell like I should say "HEY you don't have a right to treat me like this and expect em to be here when you come back." the need to please or make others happy part of my brain says hey wait he told you the situation from the get you are not aloud to change how you feel.

So this morning I decided I am going to take back control of my emotions since I don't believer they were true feelings anyway I was just happy to get some attention from someone else and I will not worry about what him and others are doing with their lives and if they can make time for me. I have a very active lifestyle and I am usually always doing one thing or another and I felt I was compromising too much to be there when he had time to talk. I will set the boundaries from the beginning a  friendship from now on and I will always be honest. If my feelings change I will state them no matter the outcome even if it is not the one I want.

I vowed in 2011 to be me and I was sliding back the the insecure young girl who never felt a guy would like me for me. I was finding all those school girl insecurities coming out and I don't like to feel that way. I am a mature woman who loves to have fun and will still go with the flow but it will be more on my own terms and not the terms of others unless it is a mutual compromise. If that can't be understood by men then so be it I really truly do not mind being single and not having to share my large king sized bed with anyone.

Single me loves to travel, meet new people, and enjoy life with my friends so that is how I will be. Control of my surroundings and situations does not mean to me that I will be overbearing and have to have things my way it just means I will stand up for my self and not let others decide who I will be and what I will do.

Early mornings

In the early mornings I sit and contemplate all that I have weighing down my mind but with more of a open heart. In the early mornings I see things with more peace. The rising of the new sun makes me feel that no matter what is going on in my life I will be able to face the days challenges and all the ones left from previous days with a smile and a challenge to bring it on. The world I live in will never be at complete peace but I know that there is a certain amount of need for the lack of peace and understand why it exists.Most of the turmoil I feel is from my need to personalize all that I am involved in and all that I care about. Also the lack of peace is my inability to handle things the way they are and not the way I want them to be. I do not want or need others to change I just always ask myself why would they chose me or why would they want me.

Recently I had a new friend read my blogs and he told me few things about myself that were very true and no other person has ever said. He told me that I love others well but I am afraid to be loved and that is very true. I was kind of enlightening and scary all in the same moment as to wow this person sees me on the inside and I barely know him. He got all oft his from our few talks and from reading my blog.

I am very open about my life, my mistakes, my successes, and I am the one who is the hardest on my self. All of this I know but have no idea on how to change it. I have visions in the early morning of how I want my life to be and just really don't know how to get there other than to live each day as I see fit and never look back at the what if's. Too many times I look back at the what if''s in life and spend too much time mourning them that I don't realize so many of the opportunities are still there I just have to go get them. In the early mornings I sit and wonder if others question themselves as much as I do and wonder how they deal with this mental abuse because insecurity to me is just like mental abuse when you are always beating yourself up about it.

I have never until recently felt pretty or capable enough about finding someone to love me unless I give more to them than they give me but this is an exhausting way to live and today in the early morning was what I sat and thought about. I am going to try and change that about who I am because there is someone out there who will not possess me, treat me like a caged animal, will not judge me, love me for all of me even if they do not certain sides. and not just want me for what I can offer. I know what I have to offer and it really is not all that bad but I never let anyone in close enough to see that and I tend in the beginning to only make the other person happy with what they want and afraid to speak up for what I want out of it. Then when I do I am looked at as someone who changed well I haven't I was just too insecure with myself to say otherwise at first and fear being left without a fight.

Choices

Over the past week I have been dealt with some pretty tough blows from a couple of friends and they were not meant to hurt me they were meant to show me their thoughts and troubles but they were directly related to me. So here I am to get my thoughts off my chest about what I feel about these things.

Everyone in life will make choices and those choices are not mine. I will never judge or sway those choices others will make even if they are not the choices I would have made. Let me elaborate on this thought some I do not care what you do with your life because I chose you as a friend for who you are and this means standing with you for whatever road you may travel on. My beliefs may not be the same but my no means do I feel that my beliefs and choices are the only way to go, if the whole world was just like me we would be one crazy messed up world.......

Yes I am getting divorced, but do I think that all of my friends should become divorced? No way I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and all the wonderful things that are associated with marriage and to be honest with everyone I had a very good marriage but we just are too completely different people who want two completely different things in life and that made it hard to keep the glue together. He is still one of my very good friends and I speak to him often so this was my life and my choices not ones to be made lightly or by anyone else.

Yes I am straight but do I think that everyone in the world needs to be this way , heck no be who you are and be with whomever will make you happy. Life is too short to live otherwise and please introduce me to your significant other. Many people are afraid to tell me that they have a different view on who is right for them because I am a Christian and so many Christians attack the lifestyle of  gay man or woman. I am here to tell you now I will never judge this because you can attack right back at my chosen lifestyle or past. I have done many things that go against what is right in the Bible and I will one day face my judgment for it. So I don't feel it is right to judge you I am not better or more right than you are. Also love is so hard to find in life so when you do find it hold onto it no matter what others may think is right or wrong. I will punch them out for you if they say something

Yes I have made so many mistakes in the roads I have traveled on but that doesn't mean I am not a good person or have good intentions towards you. I can be cold hearted and lash out at others when I feel like I am being backed into a corner. I am a natural flirt but hat does not mean I want to sleep with you. I may tell you whatever it is on my mind because I am sorry I WAS BORN WITHOUT A FILTER. I am who I am and that is all I can be, and as a friend I would ask that you feel open to being who you are because that makes you YOU.

I recently told a couple of friends about how I feel about them and this is truly how I feel about all my friends. As your friend I will walk beside you when you need the company, I will stand behind you when you need some strength, I will stand in front of you when you need protection, and I will leave your travels when you need to be alone. I am always just a phone call, a text, an email, a skype conversation, a fb chat or msg away so please call on me anytime you need.

So back to choices go out today and make as many choices as you would like that will fit into who you are. Do not be afraid to make a mistake I will help you pick up the pieces to start all over again. I will applaud you and be your personal cheering section when you it is right for you. I will cry with you when you needs someone to cry with and I will bury all the bodies when someone wants to judge you for your choices.

Without the love of my friends and their support I do not know how I would have gotten through some difficult times in my life. Without the love of my friends who would I go dancing with. Without the love of my friends I would not be so blessed and in my opinion I have a BLESSED LIFE!!! Love you all

When did Divorce= Desperation

I am sitting here wondering what it is about a newly single woman that makes men think that they can treat me like I need or want them. When a man approaches you that you have know for years or less and finds that you are now single it does not mean "HIT ON ME PLEASE." I am not turned on by this nor am I even slightly interested in it. I am more complex than that and do not need to have a man in my life to be fulfilled. I can create my own happiness and for all out there I actually prefer it that way.  I do not want to know what you think of my body or what you would like to do with it, because personally that is disgusting to me.

I want and need to be free to be me and that is what I want. I still believe in love and know that it is possible to have love but I don't believe it is started with lust. Lust is an instant gratification and never lasts. Love is an eternity even if you don't stay together. Lust and desperation are not words that are who I am and who I want to be. Just because I am attractive to you does me you are attractive to me and acting that way really makes you less attractive.

So anyone out there that  thinks I want that should reflect on themselves before they ever approach me again.

Hurting and Pain

Today I woke up hurting and last night I went to bed hurting. Hurting not because of what I have been going through for the past two months but hurting because of my realization that I have the insane ability to love anyone who enters my life as a family member,  a friend, and even as a lover or spouse. I have so many different levels of love and these all get placed in with the person I meet. Sometimes they take it either the wrong way as if I need them or even as if I love them in the way they need or that my love is a selfish and me-centered love and not the other person centered love so I hurt them very badly. Some say my ability to love so many is a good thing and at most times it really is a good thing but I have to question myself to if I am spreading myself too thin and not giving some the right amount of love to hold onto them.

To my friends whom I meet and stay friends with I love and cherish the times we have together and I truly do LOVE each and everyone of you. When I say I love you as we are speaking I really mean it and when you are sad, hurting, or in pain, my heart hurts for you. I remember the times we have together like they were yesterday, and I miss the times we are apart as if something is missing in my life. I know that those who are my true friends know that I have the room in my heart to add more people and that new friends are welcomed with a love that is good and old friends are in there with a love that is so strong and true no bond will break it.

Someone told me this past week that I am selfish and cold hearted and that may be true to many people who have encountered me I will not deny this. I am human so self-centered needs are going to show in me just like everyone else. As for cold hearted  well I think it is because I won't cry or feel hurt around just anyone and especially in front of the person who is hurting me. I have always lived by the thoughts of they will never know how much they have hurt me. So think what you may about who I am I am all that I know how to be and this is what you get.

This insane ability to love others deeply also gives me the ability to be deeply hurt by others more than they will ever know. So I ask all I know the next time you meet someone take a look at not only your needs for the relationship but the needs of the other persons too. To fall hard and fall deep is a great experience to feel in life as long as you are able to pick yourself back up from it.

Lay Awake

It's 2:50 in the morning and I have to be up in 3.5 hours but I lay here awake. I think of the past couple of months and know that all the changes I am going through are mixed with so many emotions: sadness, happiness, anxiety, excitement, pleasure, pain, angry, funny, and knowledge. The last one is the emotion of knowledge that my emotions will all balance out and I will be normal again (if you can say I have ever been normal).

I was telling a friend today that it has been almost 3 months since the last time I have had a dream while sleeping and how much I miss dreaming. Well the more I think about it the more I realized tonight it might be because I am living out my dreams now in real life for the first time in years. I am starting to live again and be me. Maybe that is why I have no need for dreaming in my sleep because of what I am doing in my awake hours.

As I lay awake here now just past 3 AM I also know that I am blessed, truly blessed to have the friends that have rallied around me in my time and have supported my ranting and raving about how I feel at that moment. Some of these friends are old friends re-found, friends I live near, and new friends that I have been given as a gift. All of these people have been wonderful and amazing and I am very amazed at all they have given me. I have been told I have emotional attachments to people and it is correct when i meet someone I would like to include in my life I become emotionally attached to them because I start to care about who they are. This is not a bad thing I look at is as an ability to love many deeply.

As I lay still awake I know that the things I want in life will come true as long as I work hard, love hard, and truly live. I hope everyone wants to live with me.

My Vows

I vow to live my life the way I want to live it for now on. I want everyone that thinks they knows whats best for me to stand back and watch me grow into who I have always known I can be. I no longer want to look back and say "wow I wish I would have jumped on that opportunity" or " I really wish I would have done that." I think that we all need to see the quick moments in life for growing and being who we should be. I don't want to say that I will not go somewhere because being there for less than 48 hours is not worth the time of airfare (as long as it's not astronomical).

I vow to not only tell the important people in my life that they are important to me but also that I love them deeply.When I was in the post office today an older lady made a comment about Love not lasting forever but I do not believe that. I truly love many things in my world and I even still love things I know I shouldn't but that doesn't mean love isn't forever. For example the love I fell for my children will be forever even when they are grown and on their own.  I love my family more than anything in the world from my Mom and sister to all my many cousins and that love is forever no matter what happens. I even love my the man I was married to for 14 years because he gave me my children and a profound understanding of what I am really looking for in my life. Just cause we are almost not married anymore my love for him will never go away.

I vow to help my children accomplish their dreams even if they are not the dreams I have for them because they are their own people with their own dreams and desires in life. I will walk beside them when they need a companion, behind them when they need the support, and in front of them when they need me to protect them. What I want is not important but my vow to help them get what they want is very important to me.

I vow to live a better life as far as my health goes and if that means exercise and better eating habits than that is what I will do. Even though I don't like it but I know I will splurge once in a while. With this vow I also will vow to drink more wine with my friends just to send time with them and enjoy the time I get with them.

I vow to watch more sunrises and sunsets whether they are on a beach or right outside my house since the beauty of a sunrise or sunset makes me happy. Even if I am watching these alone they are still one of the most amazing of God's creations and I need to stop missing them as often as I do. The world is an amazing place and I need to stop and smell more roses down the road I am traveling.
 
I am sure there are many more things I want to make a vow to but right now I think this is enough to keep me moving in the direction I want to be in for 2011.

Life as I know it

Life for me has never been easy or uneventful but I wouldn't change a day of it. I have always said live life with very little regrets and that is what I have very little regrets. The mistakes I have made I make proudly, loudly, and without a desire to change. I am 37 years old and a mother of 2 beautiful kids and soon to be a divorced woman after 14 years of marriage but these things do not define who I am there are so many more things about me. I am proud to be all who I am even when I am being  B**** because that is what I am feeling at that moment and take the moment for what it is and we can move onto the many happier parts of me.

One of the largest things that define me is the 2 beautiful babies I was able to bring into this world and they occupy a huge part of my heart, almost to a point where it is so very hard to let anybody else in long enough to hold them or have them want to stay.This does not upset me though because I see the love that my children give to others especially now since Shane is of dating age and I see how good, caring, compassionate,and loving to his girlfriend Nicky. Samantha is a sweet and would not hurt an ant if she can help it type of fairy sized little girl. She is the size of a fairy but has the strength on her heart like a lion. I see so much of both me and Michael in both of my children and I smile.

Another piece of what defines me is my need for me and the ability to fight for what I want and need and not lose myself in the whole idea of what the world thinks I should be. I am loud, I cuss, I am proud, I am strong, and I will not let anyone knock me down no matter who it is. Recently I posted a status in facebook that asked when will some people learn that I am not one that can be controlled I will lash out without any compassion because I will feel caged and trapped. I can not live the the confines of normal life and expectations but I am also not afraid to work myself to the bone to get what I want or need.

My friends have always defined a  part of who I am because I am a social butterfly and need to move from one flower to the next to get to know the entire world. My true friends have always understood that about me and have always let me fly free because I always come back to them even better and happier. Maybe some would call my crazy for the need for so many people in my life but it fulfills me. I have always said I would be perfectly at peace standing in Times Square in NYC surrounded by 100's of people even if I knew none of them.

Lastly but not leastly my family is so important to me because I have such a small one. I am very different from my mother and sister and over the years that has caused so many conflicts but in each conflict there is always so much LOVE from both of them. I have pushed them away to be me but they are always waiting at the door when I come back to them with open and loving arms. Kalin my sister we don't see eye to eye but in the two hardest times in our lives we were there for one another and this is what sisters do. I love you deeply and miss you so often. Mom I am not how you want me to be but you were the most amazing Mother and you are who I get my strength from everyday and every hour.
About 16 years ago I met my father's side of the family and boy are they are so much of why I live in Arizona. Jennifer is a big inspiration to me and boy do we have a blast together and she has never asked me to be anyone other than me wholeheartedly. Christine cracks me up with her fun side but yet still keeps me so grounded. My uncle Pete what can I say other than I an so happy you are in my life and you could not have picked a better woman to share your life with because Aunt Pat you are amazing.

14 years of marriage gave me another sister that I will always love no matter what. Misti you stay strong and know that no matter what we are still sisters. The babies love you so much and miss you dearly and so do I. We have become so close in 14 years and nothing and no one will ever separate that.Your brother is who brought us together but that means nothing our hearts are entwined.

I am so ready to start my life again better, stronger, and happier and with more wisdom from the past 14 years of who I really am. I hope the world is ready for ME cause here I come.