Early mornings

In the early mornings I sit and contemplate all that I have weighing down my mind but with more of a open heart. In the early mornings I see things with more peace. The rising of the new sun makes me feel that no matter what is going on in my life I will be able to face the days challenges and all the ones left from previous days with a smile and a challenge to bring it on. The world I live in will never be at complete peace but I know that there is a certain amount of need for the lack of peace and understand why it exists.Most of the turmoil I feel is from my need to personalize all that I am involved in and all that I care about. Also the lack of peace is my inability to handle things the way they are and not the way I want them to be. I do not want or need others to change I just always ask myself why would they chose me or why would they want me.

Recently I had a new friend read my blogs and he told me few things about myself that were very true and no other person has ever said. He told me that I love others well but I am afraid to be loved and that is very true. I was kind of enlightening and scary all in the same moment as to wow this person sees me on the inside and I barely know him. He got all oft his from our few talks and from reading my blog.

I am very open about my life, my mistakes, my successes, and I am the one who is the hardest on my self. All of this I know but have no idea on how to change it. I have visions in the early morning of how I want my life to be and just really don't know how to get there other than to live each day as I see fit and never look back at the what if's. Too many times I look back at the what if''s in life and spend too much time mourning them that I don't realize so many of the opportunities are still there I just have to go get them. In the early mornings I sit and wonder if others question themselves as much as I do and wonder how they deal with this mental abuse because insecurity to me is just like mental abuse when you are always beating yourself up about it.

I have never until recently felt pretty or capable enough about finding someone to love me unless I give more to them than they give me but this is an exhausting way to live and today in the early morning was what I sat and thought about. I am going to try and change that about who I am because there is someone out there who will not possess me, treat me like a caged animal, will not judge me, love me for all of me even if they do not certain sides. and not just want me for what I can offer. I know what I have to offer and it really is not all that bad but I never let anyone in close enough to see that and I tend in the beginning to only make the other person happy with what they want and afraid to speak up for what I want out of it. Then when I do I am looked at as someone who changed well I haven't I was just too insecure with myself to say otherwise at first and fear being left without a fight.