OK I am just going to go right out and say it and if makes others think differently of me than so be it but I have to get it off my mind. To most men I am nothing more than a notch on their belt (or headboard) I am only viewed as a girl they want to get in the sack and I don't make that a difficult task for them to accomplish if I am interested. I am the girl who will go with the flow of things and not make too many waves if I like a guy and this I believe in my head stems from the need to please others. I even tend to parent differently because of that need to please of give others what they want. I don't hold my ground and I don't tell others how I fell when circumstances change unless I am confident in things going the way I want them to go.
But right her and now I am making a stance to take back a little control in my personal relationships with men. I have a few guys friends who love me for who I am and even thought they might be physically attracted to me they would never damage our friendship in that way and I truly care fro them because I feel respected.
Recently I met a guy who initiated a friendship/relationship with me and he was very honest about not being able to give me what I want from the beginning. Well I don't want a relationship and I really wasn't all that attracted to him so I asked him what is it that you think I want from you? He said I don't think anything but I wanted to let you know I am a selfish asshole and I tend to hurt women. I responded with that is fine I am not interested in a relationship with you. Well fast forward 6 weeks and talking everyday and getting to know one another all pursued by him I am finding myself not falling for him but longing to talk to him everyday like I always do, but for the past week and a half he is been extremely distant and I have lost that connection. I was feeling hurt over the last 2 days because I miss what we were developing but again not really because I am ready to even try to develop a relationship just yet. However I have not said a word about the distance because when we first started talking he said I am very busy with school, and other things that I might not be able to be there for you all the time and I was ok with that I didn't want to be there all the time. So as the circumstances have changed and I fell like I should say "HEY you don't have a right to treat me like this and expect em to be here when you come back." the need to please or make others happy part of my brain says hey wait he told you the situation from the get you are not aloud to change how you feel.
So this morning I decided I am going to take back control of my emotions since I don't believer they were true feelings anyway I was just happy to get some attention from someone else and I will not worry about what him and others are doing with their lives and if they can make time for me. I have a very active lifestyle and I am usually always doing one thing or another and I felt I was compromising too much to be there when he had time to talk. I will set the boundaries from the beginning a friendship from now on and I will always be honest. If my feelings change I will state them no matter the outcome even if it is not the one I want.
I vowed in 2011 to be me and I was sliding back the the insecure young girl who never felt a guy would like me for me. I was finding all those school girl insecurities coming out and I don't like to feel that way. I am a mature woman who loves to have fun and will still go with the flow but it will be more on my own terms and not the terms of others unless it is a mutual compromise. If that can't be understood by men then so be it I really truly do not mind being single and not having to share my large king sized bed with anyone.
Single me loves to travel, meet new people, and enjoy life with my friends so that is how I will be. Control of my surroundings and situations does not mean to me that I will be overbearing and have to have things my way it just means I will stand up for my self and not let others decide who I will be and what I will do.
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