In my teens and early twenties I spun myself into a path of complete self destruction. I partied hard, slept around, and let others tell me how I am going to live because I thought I needed them. I went through life getting destroyed emotionally with each relationship I started and could never see the really good guys out there. Never in the first 23 years of my life did I ever feel beautiful, confident, or worthy of anything that would make me happy. I always felt I could love someone enough to make me love them.
Then I turned 23 and met the man I was going to marry and he was so different from every guy I have ever dated. He loved me unconditionally and we had two wonderful children together and 14 years of ups and downs. Our marriage ended sometime last year in my mind and in my heart because of the voices in my head saying this is still not who you are. So I decided to stop this path of self destruction and move on.
The last 4 months I have started to really understand who I am and what I was placed here for and I know that I have so many things that are wonderful to offer someone. I did however, start this path on another road to unworthy self destruction. I met people and became involved (which I blogged about earlier) because they made me feel good about who I am and made me feel pretty confident until it all would fall apart again and my heart lost a piece of the goodness I have been trying to achieve.
I woke up this morning and I realized that I am not really self destructive I am strong. I am so strong that I can be slapped in the face and walk away with pride and dignity and not have that gut reaction that bubbles up. I am not egotistical but the next few things may make me seem this way. I am a great person, I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am fun and funny ( I don't mind being the brunt of the jokes I just wont be someones fool), I have an infectious personality, I love many things even when they are bad, I enjoy taking care of people and am always looking to help others. I am also smart, have my head on straight as to what is right and what is wrong, I will give my last dime to someone in more need than me, and I love unconditionally. With all these things said I can also be selfish, needy, and bitchy. But that goes with the sense of my need to please others and them treating me like a doormat.
I recently met someone who I believed had all the personality traits of someone that I would want to be with and we got along great. He never was bothered by my innocent flirting and we had a physical chemistry like I have never known with someone else. This all drew me into believing that I really did like him more than I was ready to admit and I already admitted that I was losing sight of me again. Well last night a piece of his true colors came out when we were together and I had to realize that I was looking at this with a cloudy perspective because of all the pros I believed he had. He still has many great things that I look for in a guy but he has some serious flaws that would send me on that path to self destruction all of again. Last night and even early this morning I was willing to over look the flaws and give him a second chance when those flaws go against what I morally feel. However, as I was finally removed for a bit I have a few things to say to him that I know I will never get to to his face so I am going to do it here.......
I am sorry that you do not have your head on straight because you are going through a tough time yourself with your divorce. I still think that you are a great father and have had many fun times with you over the past couple of weeks. You are on a wicked path to your own self destruction and falling into a hole that I will not go down into with you or even climb into it to pick you up from it. You are right I am beautiful, sexy, funny and fun with a great sense of humor, I have a great group of friends that invited you into our world. You were also right when you said that I take good care of you and no one has ever done that like I do, but I will not continue to do this at my own sacrifice. You were right when you said you were crazy about me for all of these traits. You were also right when you said I was smart so here is where my smart kicks in. We have great chemistry in and out of bed but you are not worth being dragged down for once more in my life. I hope one day you wake up and realize like I have that you are going about this all wrong. You are going to destroy yourself and hopefully not your boys if you continue this way. You have a lot to offer someone and if you are not ready for that you should stand back and not become attached to someone yourself so you don't pull them into your tangled web, since many may not be as strong as I am to climb out of it. I have too much to offer the world and too much going for you to let you drag me down so here is where we say our goodbyes. Take care of yourself and look a littler deeper into what kind of footprint you want to leave the world and what kind of example you want to set for your boys.
This feels so good to be able to say this and know that it is truly how I feel. I am not hurt I was humiliated by your actions and behaviors and wont be able to get past that no matter how I felt. Last night I thought I could get over the humiliation and move on but as minute ticked on the clock and I would watch you sleep I found myself caring less and less about you. That is why I got up and went home when I did because I just didn't want to or feel comfortable in your bed after what you did. I know that you will never know how I feel and that is ok too you don't need to nor do you deserve to know all of this. Just know that you did not hurt me you made me see all the wonderful things I am and that I am worth more than what you have to offer me and one day I will find a person who can truly appreciate me. You were a necessary stepping stone in my life and now that stone is behind me and below me. What we had together for our time was important to me and I will only look back to know that I am looking for a good man that has all your great traits but lacks your flaw.
Today on my run (well we cheated and walked) with my best friend we talked bout how I stayed even after all that happened. She said her reaction would have been so different. I needed to stay and be able to be face to face with you for hours after it happened. I needed to analyze the situation and my feelings. If I would have left you at your doorstep last night I would not feel the way I do today. I needed that time of healing and thoughts while you were in my presence so I when I was trying to look past things I could look at you and know that it is not who I am.
I have something to look forward to in my life and my shoes are tied tight to start my journey. I have so many friends that are taking this journey with me and we are all on path to great things that make life worth living everyday. NO MORE self destruction for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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