Life as I know it

Life for me has never been easy or uneventful but I wouldn't change a day of it. I have always said live life with very little regrets and that is what I have very little regrets. The mistakes I have made I make proudly, loudly, and without a desire to change. I am 37 years old and a mother of 2 beautiful kids and soon to be a divorced woman after 14 years of marriage but these things do not define who I am there are so many more things about me. I am proud to be all who I am even when I am being  B**** because that is what I am feeling at that moment and take the moment for what it is and we can move onto the many happier parts of me.

One of the largest things that define me is the 2 beautiful babies I was able to bring into this world and they occupy a huge part of my heart, almost to a point where it is so very hard to let anybody else in long enough to hold them or have them want to stay.This does not upset me though because I see the love that my children give to others especially now since Shane is of dating age and I see how good, caring, compassionate,and loving to his girlfriend Nicky. Samantha is a sweet and would not hurt an ant if she can help it type of fairy sized little girl. She is the size of a fairy but has the strength on her heart like a lion. I see so much of both me and Michael in both of my children and I smile.

Another piece of what defines me is my need for me and the ability to fight for what I want and need and not lose myself in the whole idea of what the world thinks I should be. I am loud, I cuss, I am proud, I am strong, and I will not let anyone knock me down no matter who it is. Recently I posted a status in facebook that asked when will some people learn that I am not one that can be controlled I will lash out without any compassion because I will feel caged and trapped. I can not live the the confines of normal life and expectations but I am also not afraid to work myself to the bone to get what I want or need.

My friends have always defined a  part of who I am because I am a social butterfly and need to move from one flower to the next to get to know the entire world. My true friends have always understood that about me and have always let me fly free because I always come back to them even better and happier. Maybe some would call my crazy for the need for so many people in my life but it fulfills me. I have always said I would be perfectly at peace standing in Times Square in NYC surrounded by 100's of people even if I knew none of them.

Lastly but not leastly my family is so important to me because I have such a small one. I am very different from my mother and sister and over the years that has caused so many conflicts but in each conflict there is always so much LOVE from both of them. I have pushed them away to be me but they are always waiting at the door when I come back to them with open and loving arms. Kalin my sister we don't see eye to eye but in the two hardest times in our lives we were there for one another and this is what sisters do. I love you deeply and miss you so often. Mom I am not how you want me to be but you were the most amazing Mother and you are who I get my strength from everyday and every hour.
About 16 years ago I met my father's side of the family and boy are they are so much of why I live in Arizona. Jennifer is a big inspiration to me and boy do we have a blast together and she has never asked me to be anyone other than me wholeheartedly. Christine cracks me up with her fun side but yet still keeps me so grounded. My uncle Pete what can I say other than I an so happy you are in my life and you could not have picked a better woman to share your life with because Aunt Pat you are amazing.

14 years of marriage gave me another sister that I will always love no matter what. Misti you stay strong and know that no matter what we are still sisters. The babies love you so much and miss you dearly and so do I. We have become so close in 14 years and nothing and no one will ever separate that.Your brother is who brought us together but that means nothing our hearts are entwined.

I am so ready to start my life again better, stronger, and happier and with more wisdom from the past 14 years of who I really am. I hope the world is ready for ME cause here I come.